Potholer
Active Member
Can't sleep, been up since 2.30am when one flatmate got home and decided to shout the conversation to the other side of the house.
Been sleeping pretty crappily the last few days and I have a feeling I know the reasons why so thought I'd vent though it probably wont help, though this way I can work out a speech of everything I want to say.
Parents are really starting to get antsy about where I plan to live next year and what I'm planning on doing with my life. Everytime I ring home it's "have you sorted anything?" Well no, I have no idea who I'm flatting with, I have two months to find people and a flat and them constantly asking is not helping me relax.
I don't really know what I'm doing with my life either thank you.
One of my supposed closest friends is being a complete ass to me right now. I may have made some, what she felt to be, veiled vegetarian digs. I was joking and didn't mean it, I have complete and utter respect for her and my respect for animals has increased heaps and apparently I "blame" her for my new conscience. My jokes may have jeopordized the possibility of flatting with some people she said. I feel TERRIBLE I did that without even thinking but for gods sake, how does that suddenly give her the right to list all the things that make me a complete screwup and make digs at me like I'm the worst friend in the world. All the bloody time when we're out with people she rips into me. The other night some half drunk guy we'd known for half an hour noticed and defended me. I didn't even notice she was doing it cos I'm so used to it. All the time after we've been out she'll mention how bad it was she was making digs and that people noticed and then she does it again. I make excuses for her doing it, like she's over tired or I did something mean to her too but *sweary word*, this eye-for-an-eye thing she has going is so brutal. If she was such a good friend she'd forgive me instead of always making me feel like crap all the time. And I try not to care but unfortunately I've come to rely solely on her for making me feel good about myself so when she's *sweary word* off that's it. Another friend gave me a talking to about how she uses me and I need to find a proper friends base rather than her but this just stresses me out more. I mean, I've got a whole lot of really amazing friends but I don't belong to any groups so don't have a base to go to when she's treating me like crap.
We co-own some chickens and for the last week I've been getting up at 7.30 each morning, even after we've both been out drinking til 4am or even just out at a friends til 2am and I finally ask her to do it. She gets *sweary word* off that I'm like THANK YOU and overly thankful like I'm being condescending and I'm surprised she said yes cos I thought she wouldn't do it. Then I wake up at 4am on the day I finally get to sleep in and she's *sweary word* that I didn't let them out anyway since I was already up! Which I wasn't anyway cos I got to sleep at 6.30 and woke up at 8.30 at which time they would have been going nuts to be let out
"realistically" she says "were you really going to sleep in late enough for it to be too late to let them out?"
That's not the *sweary word* point!!! I wanted the opportunity to sleep in even if I ended up not being able to! But of course, she woke up at 4am and her idea of a sleep in is 11am rather than my sleep in of 9am so obviously she deserves it more than I do.
I feel so unappreciated. She *sweary word* at the moment cos she does all the general pet looking after stuff which I really need to help with more and I feel guilty for it and am gonna be more onto it but friends are meant to be happy to do stuff for you but she just guilt trips me.
I don't know how to stop being so emotionally reliant on her....
So today I have to tell her... I don't know what. I don't even know specific things she does. I told her she ruins my self-esteem but then felt guilty for putting all the blame on her. What the hell!
Well that didn't really help I'm just more awake and upset than I was before...
It's 5.55am. I think I'll finish watching the latest hellboy movie. Online streaming + broadband is awesome
ETA: wow that looks like I swore a lot....nearly all of those a mild ones, not the two main swear words just in case it seem like I'm a real potty mouth....(heh heh)
Been sleeping pretty crappily the last few days and I have a feeling I know the reasons why so thought I'd vent though it probably wont help, though this way I can work out a speech of everything I want to say.
Parents are really starting to get antsy about where I plan to live next year and what I'm planning on doing with my life. Everytime I ring home it's "have you sorted anything?" Well no, I have no idea who I'm flatting with, I have two months to find people and a flat and them constantly asking is not helping me relax.
I don't really know what I'm doing with my life either thank you.
One of my supposed closest friends is being a complete ass to me right now. I may have made some, what she felt to be, veiled vegetarian digs. I was joking and didn't mean it, I have complete and utter respect for her and my respect for animals has increased heaps and apparently I "blame" her for my new conscience. My jokes may have jeopordized the possibility of flatting with some people she said. I feel TERRIBLE I did that without even thinking but for gods sake, how does that suddenly give her the right to list all the things that make me a complete screwup and make digs at me like I'm the worst friend in the world. All the bloody time when we're out with people she rips into me. The other night some half drunk guy we'd known for half an hour noticed and defended me. I didn't even notice she was doing it cos I'm so used to it. All the time after we've been out she'll mention how bad it was she was making digs and that people noticed and then she does it again. I make excuses for her doing it, like she's over tired or I did something mean to her too but *sweary word*, this eye-for-an-eye thing she has going is so brutal. If she was such a good friend she'd forgive me instead of always making me feel like crap all the time. And I try not to care but unfortunately I've come to rely solely on her for making me feel good about myself so when she's *sweary word* off that's it. Another friend gave me a talking to about how she uses me and I need to find a proper friends base rather than her but this just stresses me out more. I mean, I've got a whole lot of really amazing friends but I don't belong to any groups so don't have a base to go to when she's treating me like crap.
We co-own some chickens and for the last week I've been getting up at 7.30 each morning, even after we've both been out drinking til 4am or even just out at a friends til 2am and I finally ask her to do it. She gets *sweary word* off that I'm like THANK YOU and overly thankful like I'm being condescending and I'm surprised she said yes cos I thought she wouldn't do it. Then I wake up at 4am on the day I finally get to sleep in and she's *sweary word* that I didn't let them out anyway since I was already up! Which I wasn't anyway cos I got to sleep at 6.30 and woke up at 8.30 at which time they would have been going nuts to be let out
"realistically" she says "were you really going to sleep in late enough for it to be too late to let them out?"
That's not the *sweary word* point!!! I wanted the opportunity to sleep in even if I ended up not being able to! But of course, she woke up at 4am and her idea of a sleep in is 11am rather than my sleep in of 9am so obviously she deserves it more than I do.
I feel so unappreciated. She *sweary word* at the moment cos she does all the general pet looking after stuff which I really need to help with more and I feel guilty for it and am gonna be more onto it but friends are meant to be happy to do stuff for you but she just guilt trips me.
I don't know how to stop being so emotionally reliant on her....
So today I have to tell her... I don't know what. I don't even know specific things she does. I told her she ruins my self-esteem but then felt guilty for putting all the blame on her. What the hell!
Well that didn't really help I'm just more awake and upset than I was before...
It's 5.55am. I think I'll finish watching the latest hellboy movie. Online streaming + broadband is awesome
ETA: wow that looks like I swore a lot....nearly all of those a mild ones, not the two main swear words just in case it seem like I'm a real potty mouth....(heh heh)