i created these a couple of years ago, when i had insomnia
60 THINGS TO DO OVER THE PHONE.
1. Order fast food to rival companies. E.g.: Order MacDonald’s to Hungry Jacks.
2. Say they have won an imaginary award. Give a time and place in which they are to receive this award and then hide and wait so you can laugh at them when they show up.
3. Tell the person you are from the adult entertainment shop and say they have made enough purchases to get a frequent buyer card.
4. Ring up someone’s house and try to order food.
5. Scream ‘there after me again. They’ve got me. Save yourselves!’
6. Say you are from a telemarketing company confirming purchase of a $10 000000 yacht.
7. Start talking and then say you have a call on another line. Put on hold music and leave them there for a long period of time.
8. Pretend to be conducting a survey and then ask them embarrassing questions.
9. Ask if they would like to go puffin watching with you in Iceland.
10. As soon as they do not say anything for a few seconds say ‘speak to me. You can’t die on me. Not now.’ And pretend to sob
11. Pretend to be a long lost relative.
12. Ask if they would be interested in housing an illegal immigrant.
13. Tell them they have been accepted into Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
14. Tell them they have won the $30 000 000 Aus lotto bonus draw.
15. Tell them you have removed a body for them.
16. Tell them they have won a luxury cruise to Switzerland.
17. This is your morning wake up call courtesy of Good morning Australia.
18. Say ‘It’s gay liberation day!’
19. Say you would be honored if they would accompany you to the Sydney Mardi Gras.
20. Tell them they have won a sneak preview of a new (non-existent) movie.
21. Say you are Osama Bin Laden.
22. Talk through a fan and say they are all out to get you.
23. Ask if they would like to buy the Eiffel Tower.
24. Say you’re from the TAB and say that their betting debt is getting out of hand.
25. Ask if they are interested in buying a life supply of pudding.
26. Say you are a deranged criminal who would like to hide in their front hedge.
27. Sell them shares for a non-existent company.
28. Tell them their car has been found at the bottom of a river or in another state.
29. Tell them they have 24 hours to get the ransom money or the ………. gets it.
30. Tell them their evil plots have been discovered.
31. Ask if they would like to join your mailing list for a non-existent magazine.
32. talk to them as though it is a diary entry.
33. Ask if they will tell your fortune.
34. As soon as they pick up the phone and talk, start screaming “it’s alive!”
35. Tell them the end is near.
36. play X-Files music in the background and say “the truth is out there”
37. Ring the same person up every couple of hours and ask “what came first the chicken or the egg?” (for extra annoyance ring every few minutes)
38. ask if they would like to help you break the record for the world’s biggest joint.
39. when they start talking to you pretend to cry and say “why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
40. Say “Big Brother is watching”
41. Conduct a survey on whether people think the chicken or the egg came first.
42. Say “Are you feeling stupid? I know I am!”
43. at periodic intervals ring up the same person with interesting (and useless) facts.
44. ask if they would like to buy some cranberry juice because “It’s crantastic”
45. Ask if they would like to meet you at the oval for their pencil jousting lessons.
46. Start off by speaking very quietly with every can-you-speak-louder-speak-louder until you are shouting into the phone.
47. Ring a couple and pretend the other person partner e.g. “I feel really guilty but I think that you should really know…”
48. Ask if they would like to buy a girl guides teabag for a $1 each.
49. Either eat a hard lolly or chew gum loudly into the phone.
50. Tell them that if they ever step inside your restaurant again you will call the police.
51. Mumble “you will eat a bad pie” so it sounds like “you will die”
52. record the beeping noise on the phone and play as soon as they pick up and say “what is wrong with people these days they hang up before you can get a word in.”
53. Start singing London bridge is falling down.
55. Say that you are from the police and are enquiring strange noises coming from their place of residence in the early hours of the morning.
56. Say “be free my minions be free upon the world.”
57. Say you are looking for someone. If that person is there, apologize and say it must be a wrong number.
58. Tell them they have won a trip to an imaginary country.
59. Say that you are Spiderman/ batman or any other marvel comics’ hero
60. Tell them you are from the assassins/ thieves or any other ridiculous guild and would like to recruit them.