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This Is A Lesson For Everyone...


New Member
Oct 15, 2004
Last year, when Dad died, I went into this sort of downward spiral thing...I lost my belief in who I was, and I found that the only way I could deal with it, was to write, so I did. I then decided that it was a good idea to not just write what I felt down, but then to also lock it away for a year or so, then re-read it to see how far I'd come.

Well, a year has passed (tomorrow) since Dad died, and I read what I wrote last night, and I thought I'd post it up, because without looking at it as my personal feelings I think it pretty much sums up a really old lesson that is so important for everybody to know and realise before its too late and you dont get certain chances, as I didnt so yeah, without any further adeu...this is from me, a year ago.

Jen xxx

At the moment I feel strange, like these last few days have been a dream and I’m due to wake up, but each day I wake and I realize a little bit more that he’s gone, each day I realize a little bit more that I’m not okay and I realize most of all that I hadn’t been preparing for the day that would eventually come, but for the days beyond that.

Picturing not speaking to him, laughing at his jokes that I’ll repeat to people for ages after I hear them, cut me to the bone, but now, I’m not picturing these thoughts but experiencing them and that doesn’t just cut me to the bone, it cuts me to the soul.
I have his number in my phone and I keep it there because it’s like pulling a mask over what has happened, his number is still there so he’s still there, but I know that I’ll never get a reply if I send a message and that hurts.

People have said that he’s in a better place than here, but what about the place where everybody else left behind is, we’re all here and he’s not, ‘a better place’ for him is where he’s with us, where he’s with me.
I feel so bad, so bad for thinking so selfishly, because I know he was hurting here, but because he’s gone now we’re all hurting.
I’ve tried to be strong but I can’t take it anymore, I’m having to accept it and not deny it like I was before and it hurts so much, I just want to speak one more time, to laugh at his jokes one more time.

It’s a weird pain, its not like losing a friend, when you lose a parent you realize that one half of the person you are is gone and that you came from that person, you stand where you are because of that person and you realize what they mean to you regardless of the distance between you both.
It’s such a cliché but you really don’t understand how much you need something till its gone.
It's not selfish at all of you to wish he was still here.... I think when people say he is in a better place, maybe the way you should think on it is.... he's at peace, his pain has gone.

Trust in the fact that he is always with you. Watching you. Never forget I'm here for you ok? Anytime.


Edit:- I know this is from a while back... but in the present day, if you still want to speak to him... do it. Talk out loud, say what you want to say.

I can never find the words I want to say......

But me
you tiddlyjen..... You are a very special girl.
(wipes away the tears)

A big
for Jen... its hard when you loose someone so close.. its a pain that never goes... but you do learn to deal with your emotions a little bit better.. well in most cases you do..(ok so the odd sad family type films bring a tear to your eye but thats only natural) i maybe tell you my story one day hehe.
Thought I would summon this little gem up again, Im now 4 years on from being that sad little girl, and im proud to say I smile when I think of my Dad instead of cry.

I laugh at what he would think of me, and what we could have done. I admit I get teary at that bit, but then I think of what his passing was able to do for me, it was able to teach me a huge lesson, and he provided for me in ways he never probably could have otherwise.

:wub: I Love my Dad xxx