Suggestions?

[Potholer]

Ok, so I have a problem, I bet this is going to come out all petty and silly and whatnot but honestly, I'm having trouble with it.

Bottom line is that I'm nigh-on in love with one of my closest friends. That blind, selfish kind of feeling where all you want is all their attention, and it feels brilliant when you've got it but there's the most intense jealousy when they're with other people. Which is really terrible because they aren't very comfortable around people to begin with and I need to be supportive and encouraging of them to go out and meet new people and make a bigger friends group because they've become pretty antisocial at the moment and desperately need more people to hang out with in a borderline-depression-due-to-chronic-isolation kind of way.

So, how does one cut ties, keeping them as the close, amazing friend that they are, but not jealously guarding them from everyone else and without coming to hate them or having to spend time away from them? I've got a friend who this also happened to. Their friend started going out with someone and my friend eventually came to hate their bestfriend. It got rid of the miserable suffering jealousy but well, he lost his friend who had gotten him through so much strife and had been an amazing rock for him. The last thing I want is to lose one of my closest friends just because I can't seem to get over a stupid I-love-you-so-much-in-a-selfish-way crush.

Really, I can't stand it being this way, especially since they're going out with someone in that I-love-you-forever kind of way, and they're perfectly suited and really I would never never never want them to break up.

How do I stop loving them? And also realise that just because they aren't paying attention to me, doesn't mean they are going to decide they don't need me as a friend and will hang out with other people who I know are way more interesting than I and the main reason this person is even such a good friend is because all they have at the moment is me and their partner and thus needs me for the company, not because I'm actually worth hanging out with. Though they looked genuinely surprised when I said people will work out what a dweeb I am if I talk too much around strangers. So they do think I'm worth hanging out with.

I want to just be over it but I don't know how. It's been a year now that its been like this and I've had a good break from it over summer but I don't know how I'm going to cope being around them again when I go back to uni...

 

[Snowbaby]

Potty, you can't "stop loving him". This has to be one of the most difficult situations with regards to love and relationships. One of my close friends and I fell for each other... we dated a while and then drifted apart. Therein lies the danger of dating a good friend.

Having said that... I'm a great believer in what's meant to be, will be. And if you don't try, you'll never know.

That really doesn't help huh

 

[Potholer]

Nooo but why can't it just stop! Dammit! I know it would never work and even if they did break up, I'm not even sure I'd WANT to go there, just cos of the whole best friend thing but god that still doesn't make the situation easier. Will it just sort of dissipate if I leave it long enough? Like, I've just gotta live with it and eventually it'll ease off from what it is now to a more comfortable love-you-so-let-you-go kind of thing? Lets-just-be-friends? I hope so, last year was just so difficult. You know what the funniest part is? My bestfriend knows I totally love them and their partner knows it too and while I'm getting jealous of them being together, the partner is jealous of all the time I get with my best friend, cos we hang out a lot, and yet none of us want the situation to change, cos they're very strong in their relationship and there's not a hell of a lot that could jeopardize it - even me, the best friend. I want them to keep going out and the partner didn't actually want me knowing they get jealous (but of course I get told a number of things I probably shouldn't know...). Can you say messed up, or what?

Life isn't fair Snowy! Life isn't fair!

 

[Snowbaby]

Oh potty, it all sounds very complicated, sounds like you're all very close and it's making these feelings a little stronger.

Unfortunately love is never fair. And never ever easy!!

Where's Thisty with her philosophical words of wisdom!

 

[thistle]

wish I had some lol

Like Snowy says you can't just make yourself stop being in love with someone, life would be so much easier if that was possible.

I have mixed feeling about dating friends, on the whole I would say it was a bad idea because you don't just stand to lose a boyfriend but your best friend too ....... on the other hand if the friendship is that strong then you should both be able to go back to how it was before without any hard feelings, after all what attracted you as a best friend will always be there even if he turns out not to be what you want in a partner.

My best advice however as you are also friends with his girlfriend woudl be NOT to make a move, it's hard but stay true friends to them both and IF they should ever split up maybe then you could make a move ........ if they both know how you feel then it won't come as a surprise to either of them and you cannot possibly be accused of betraying her.

Take it as a HUGE compliment that his girlfriend knows how you feel about him and yet still trusts you both to spend time together without her around, not many people can honestly say that in this situation they would trust their friends as much as that so it proves how much of a good friend you are.

All that probably hasn't helped you much tho

 

[Chantilly]

From experience, I'd say just tell him, if you're comfortable enough with him to do so. And tell him everything that you said here: that you have feelings for him (I'd stay away from "love", personally) and that you don't want to mess up his relationship or your friendship, etc.

These kinds of crushes DON'T go away, and the longer you keep it to yourself the more you'll start to build an image of him that may be completely unrealistic. This almost exact thing happened to me - and I very recently found out the hard way how I should have dealt with it from the beginning. Even other relationships were completely fulfilling because they could never live up to what I thought HE would be.

Don't be offended, but because he's in a long-term relationship I doubt this would go your way anyway, so him telling you that he only considers you to be a friend and nothing more might be just what you need to move on from it. And at that point, IF at any point he's not with her, he could always come to you. But if he doesn't at least you'll know for sure that it couldn't happen.

I really think it's a good idea to be honest. Keeping it in will only make it worse.

 

[Potholer]

Gutted. Thanks guys....

Yeh it's a pretty good compliment the trust they have.

I know he cares for me as a friend and a friend only and they've said it (cos I made them tell me for sure on at least one drunken occasion....*grimace*) but I guess there's always that stupid sliver of hope that I would do much better to abandon.

A friend is a friend is a friend.

Tilly, they know. I'm so very impressed, really, that they both know and yet nothing has changed, you know? I can't imagine its easy knowing your best friend has the hugest crush on you...

But we'll only ever be friends, and one of the most amazing people I've met (....pedestal...?) who's helped me so much through some tough times. I've got 2 weeks before going back down to uni, 2 weeks to drop that ridiculous sliver of hope and go back to seeing them as my best friend, like I did a year ago.

*sigh*

Girlfriend was away for the weekend and he says
It sucks being in love, I wouldn't recommend it. You want to be with them all the time and when they're away, it's so horrible
Me: Oh yeah....I wouldn't know.....*kick in the guts*