TAE A FERT Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie Just as ye sit doon among yer kin There sterts to stir an enormous wind. The neeps and tatties and mushy peas Stert workin like a gentle breeze But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face Will have ye blawin' all ower the place. Nae matter whit the hell ye dae A'bodys gonnae have tae pay Even if ye try to stifle, It's like a bullet oot a rifle. Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair Tae try and stop the leakin air Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek Prae tae God it disnae reek. But aw yer efforts go assunder Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder Ricochets aroon the room Michty me, a sonic boom! God almighty it fairly reeks; Hope I huvnae *sweary word* ma breeks Tae the bog I better scurry Aw whit the hell, its no ma worry. A'body roon aboot me chokin', Wan or two are nearly bokin' I'll feel better for a while Cannae help but raise a smile. Wis him! I shout with accusin glower, Alas too late, he's just keeled ower Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare I dinnae feel welcome ony mair. Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free Sounds like just the job fur me Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty Ower the sake o ane wee ferty.