Becoming nervous...

[SarahLizzie]

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now. I love him with all my heart as he does me. Our relationship is wonderful. I could not ask for a more wonderful man. Yet I been nervousabout our relationship lately.
We have twi girls and he has four kids to his exwife. So naturally he talks to her on a more than regular basis. Which normally would not bother me. But he has made comments about errily nice she is being lately, and how if she would have been like that in their marriage he would not have lrft her. Now i fear her kindness will draw him back in, along with the fact that she the body type he generally likes. I used to be, but then I lost 70 pounds, so I am a good bit thinner than the heavier set girls he generally likes. Maybe I am being silly, but something just feels off. And it scares me like crazy. Nothing has changed between us though, but I have this gut wrenching feeling. Every man I have been with has cheated on me by this point in the relatioapnship, so why would he be different?

 

[UmiNoor]

I can really understand what you're going through. It's natural to see only the good side of someone if you're not living with that person and that is what your boyfriend is seeing in his ex-wife. That was probably the reason why he married her in the first place. But being with someone for a few hours a week would not be the same with having to live with that person 24/7.

Men are so easy. If you're nice to them, compliment them a lot, listen to them, never criticize them, it will make them like you. They're such simple creatures. I think all you can do now is to trust him. Be nice to him. Don't nag him or criticize him. His ex-wife is being so nice to him so you shouldn't do the opposite or he'll start comparing the two of you. Just trust him.

 

[Lee11]

I think the first thing you may need to do is to get rid of that fear. The emotion of fear makes your fear happen...but getting rid of it, helps you create a new reality. So, in the past men cheated as you feared they would...he will not as long as you stop fearing it.

Get rid of the fear. See yourself as the amazing woman that he is luck to be with. And you will not lose anything, but gain an even stronger relationship with him.

I remember reading that fear is (f)alse (e)vidence (a)ppearing (r)eal.

 

[zararina]

I think it was normal to feel that way since he should not telling those things to you as his present girlfriend.
He should have been more sensitive but I also agree that it will not be better to be too concerned about that. As long as he was a good father and boyfriend and not cheating, you do not need to fear for something not yet existing.

 

[digitalbrew]

Men are so easy. If you're nice to them, compliment them a lot, listen to them, never criticize them, it will make them like you. They're such simple creatures. I think all you can do now is to trust him. Be nice to him. Don't nag him or criticize him. His ex-wife is being so nice to him so you shouldn't do the opposite or he'll start comparing the two of you. Just trust him.

I just had to quote you on this one, Uminoor. I love that you've worded it out and it's so true.

Last night, I talked to my older sister about her marriage. I was asking her if she's still been showing affection to her husband from simple "i love yous" to hugging him or kissing him for no whatsoever reason. She told me she stopped doing it a long time ago. I had to remind her that even though men don't show that they like being complimented and wooed, they're actually big softees in that department. Surely a man would be stupid enough to resist his wife.

SarahLizzie: It does sound a bit odd but having that gut wrenching feeling can make you act in a way that your fears can manifest itself. I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt in the mean time. Compliments are just words. It's the commitment that matters. If his wife has been nice to him, then play the nicer, more understanding and more loving girlfriend. After all, you're the one in a relationship with him.

I wish you all the best.

 

[UmiNoor]

I think the first thing you may need to do is to get rid of that fear. The emotion of fear makes your fear happen...but getting rid of it, helps you create a new reality. So, in the past men cheated as you feared they would...he will not as long as you stop fearing it.

Get rid of the fear. See yourself as the amazing woman that he is luck to be with. And you will not lose anything, but gain an even stronger relationship with him.

I remember reading that fear is (f)alse (e)vidence (a)ppearing (r)eal.

I like the acronym for fear. That is so true. Sometimes fear will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you let the fear overcomes you. But it's hard to get rid of it. I know because I've gone through this.

And Sarah, your emotions will get the better of you if you let it. You have a choice - either to let fear takes over or to get rid of the fear. It will be hard and I'm not saying it's easy. Just don't dwell too much on the fear. Do other things. Distract yourself. Go out with friends. Play with your children. Use your energy for these activities instead of feeding your fear and I think you'll be okay.