The Middle Wife
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.
I always have "show & tell" with my students. It helps them get over
shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty
tame, kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they
catch etc.
One day Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and
waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her
sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh,
oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing
a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away.
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
