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September Is Jokes Month!!!!

Snowbaby

Snowbaby

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Joined
Sep 10, 2004
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Guys!

Ok, September is "Jokes Month".... Post as many jokes here as you like and at the end of September, we will have a poll for the "Joke of the Month".

The poster of the winning joke will receive a special image for their signature.

Get joking!!!!!!! Make us laugh
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Ok,ok...I'll start you all off then...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson Pop 'N Fresh died yesterday from complications arising from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack , Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The grave side was piled high with flours as a long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes - usually after being conned by someone who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
Two naked Philosophers sat naked on the porch. The first said to the other "Have you read marx?"

He replied "yeah, these cane chairs are murder."
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Alright I must improve that effort lol....

A new psychiatrist arrives at Balmain Mental Institution, and is shown around the grounds by the most experianced matron. After seeing much of the hospital, he walks into a patients room. Inside the room are two men, one sawing a piece of wood ... and one hanging upside down from the roof. The doctor finds this intriguing and approaches the first gentleman.

Doctor: Hello... What is it your doing?

Patient: What does it look like... I'm sawing this piece of wood.

Doctor: ok, fair enough... But what is that guy up there doing...

Patient: Oh him... Don't worry about him...Hes a friend of mine. Hes a bit cuckoo... a bit of a loon. He thinks he's a lightbulb.

The patient starts to crack up, finding that incredibly stupid.

Doctor: Well.. he is red as a tomato... It can't be good for him, if he's your friend why don't you get him down?

Patient: What?!?! And work in the dark?!?!?!
 
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. i'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes." said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll dump on its head."



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A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...

"You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

"What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
 
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was
and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never
yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living
room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed
that you actually set it free in the first place, you either
married it or gave birth to it!





There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"
 
There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. "But," he said to the salesperson, "I would like my car personalized. Would it be
possible to have the "Z" replaced with an "S"?" The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, "Wow, look at that S-car-go."

Take a stand on the important things in life!




Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the
conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes,
one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket
please."
 
A friend of mine had been bothered by a stray cat lately, without warning it turned up at his house... and since then it won't leave. I received a call from him.

Friend "This cat is driving me crazy...."

Me: "well... drive it out of town, and drop it in a ditch somewhere"

He went and did this. 2 Days later I got another call.

Friend: "He found his way back, what do I do... I have to get rid of this cat"

Me: "Well, take it to the pound... They'll take it off your hands"

He hung up again. 2 days later I got another call.

Friend:"He broke out of the bars of his cage and got his way back. Please help, I have to get rid of this cat."

Me: "Yeah...that happens. Tell you what. Drive the cat 45 minutes north west to the tumbaroo train station. Take te train 14 stops to Richmond. Get off there, and catch the bus to the local airport. At runway 4 there is a small aircraft... Tell the pilot tony sent you and get into the plane. Fly for 40 mins north east until your above a national park. Jump out with the cat and parachute to the top of a cliff. Once there absail 52 feet down the cliff... there.. youll find a cave... throw the cat in the cave."

He hung up. I hadn't heard from him for a while, so a week later I gave him a call.

Me: "So...did you get rid of the cat?"

Friend: "Get rid of it? If it wasn't for the cat I'd never have got home"
 
Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
Two men are standing on the top platform of the empire state building, looking down below at low flying cloud.

Man1: You know what? That cloud looks so thick, I reckon I could jump off here... bounce on that cloud.... and come all the way back up here.

The second man laughs at this, before seeing that the first guy is serious.

Man2: You gotta be kidding... Thats an insane idea....

Man1: Watch this....

The first man jumps off the platform, before the second can stop him... he falls fast to the cloud... but then he bounces off the cloud... and makes it all the way back to the top platform again. The second guy stares in amazement....

Man2: What in the.. How in the hell did you do that?

Man1: I told you those clouds are thick....

The man shakes his head in disbelief, so the first guy does it again... and sure enough he bounces back to the top.

Man2: I have never seen anything like that before....

The second man asks him to do it one more time. And once again the same thing happens.

Man2: Thats it.... I'm having a shot....

The second man jump and falls down to the cloud... and then goes straight through it straight down to the pavement, killing him instantly. The first man chuckles to himself, whilst a man who was reading a paper nearby lowers and looks at the first.

Man3: You can be a git sometimes, you know that superman...
 
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A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'
 
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