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Last night I had some sort of a huge overwhelming panic-attack. I've always had a great deal of social anxiety and further more the smell of alcohol alone has left a trigger. 

I told my boyfriend this and he ended up telling me we were going to the movies with friends I knew. He ended up bringing over 3 people - 2 I never met and one who I dislike because he sleeps around a lot even with a gf.

Anyways they had tons of wine and beer. I didn't know cause I was getting dressed but when I walked down stairs. The aroma - the slurred voices - the laughing. I started shaking really bad and went upstairs. I stayed upstairs the rest of the night in a closet because they were so loud I could hear them.

 My boyfriend and his friends making fun of my rudeness for not coming down but all I could see was my mother towering over me at that moment. I tried to strangle myself when I realized my phone was downstairs. I had no one to call and couldn't leave without going through them.

I remembered that my cousin is due to visit tomorrow from out of town and stopped. I cried myself  to sleep. Has nightmares of my boyfrirnd cheating on me all night. Woke up feeling like shit. Feel stupid and weak. Feel betrayed and want to crawl in a hole and die.

Don't know how to react without my cousin seeing through me. Wishing that my poker face works out.