Abusive Relationships

[Dreek Lass]

I know that abusive relationships do not just exist between men in women, but that is where I want to start.

So I have never been in an abusive relationship. My mother has with my father, and he almost killed her once by strangulation. His best friend finally stepped in minutes before she passed out. How nice of him lol.

But I have always had this rock solid core belief that if I ever got into a relationship and the person hit me, or showed me any red flags before that, then I would get up and leave. It is not even that I would have to be strong to get up and leave, but I have found in the past that if I am interested in someone - even if it is someone at the club - and they speak to me in any way that is disrespectful, then my attraction for them just goes away. I have no control over it either, which is strange but it happens all the time. I just don't understand how other women could put up with being abused, physically or emotionally. I just will not let it happen.

I understand intellectually why women stay in abusive relationships. Money could be an issue - all sorts of reasons. But what is your take on why women stay in abusive relationships?

 

[claudine]

I've never been in an abusive relationship and I'll never be in one. I want my boyfriend to treat me like a princess, to take care of me, to make me feel safe and to respect me. Every girl deserves it. I'm not attracted to men who are able to hit a woman, I don't like aggresive people.
In my opinion some women stay in abusive relationships because they're in love...they listen to their hearts instead of being reasonable.

 

[Dreek Lass]

I've never been in an abusive relationship and I'll never be in one. I want my boyfriend to treat me like a princess, to take care of me, to make me feel safe and to respect me. Every girl deserves it. I'm not attracted to men who are able to hit a woman, I don't like aggresive people.
In my opinion some women stay in abusive relationships because they're in love...they listen to their hearts instead of being reasonable.

I truly do not think that you can love someone that is disrespecting you and hating on you by hitting you. I literally do not think that it is possible, but I haven't once been in that situation so I can't say that for certain. But, I have deduced that the people that stay in those abusive relationships must have low self-worth? For them to stay after the first bout of physical abuse, they must have low self-worth. If anybody that claimed to love me ever put hands on me, I would Picasso their face, not only for hitting me, but for claiming to love me and then so utterly disregarding that statement. I would be so hurt, and it would translate into anger for that small while, until I had beaten their asses lol.

 

[claudine]

I've never been beaten by any of my partners but my ex had cheated on me and left me and break my heart...and I was still in love with him for a few years, silly me So I think that it's possible to love somebody who does cruel things to you. I learned my lesson and I'll never make the same mistake again though.

 

[Dreek Lass]

I've never been beaten by any of my partners but my ex had cheated on me and left me and break my heart...and I was still in love with him for a few years, silly me So I think that it's possible to love somebody who does cruel things to you. I learned my lesson and I'll never make the same mistake again though.

I have this internal mechanism where the moment that somebody disrespects me, I am not attracted to them anymore. It happens a lot. I have met so many women that I have been attracted to, or have become attracted to over time, and then they have said or done something that illustrates that thy have little or not respect where respect is due. My attraction to them vanishes,and I move one. It always happens like that, so I just have a hard time understanding how if your partner hits you, you can stay with them.

 

[katews]

I really don't know why women stay in a relationship that's either physically or emotionally abusive. I think one reason may be that if they already have children, it's [falsely] believed that it would be better for the children to have both parents. That's never accurate, but it's often the mindset.

There's also fear.... if there's abuse, very often there's an overhanging threat (I did some crisis counseling work, this isn't from my own experience, thank goodness!) of some kind. "If you ever leave me, I'll come after you and drag you back." "If you leave, I'm going after your family." "You have to be kidding me, who else would ever want you?!"

 

[Dreek Lass]

I really don't know why women stay in a relationship that's either physically or emotionally abusive. I think one reason may be that if they already have children, it's [falsely] believed that it would be better for the children to have both parents. That's never accurate, but it's often the mindset.

There's also fear.... if there's abuse, very often there's an overhanging threat (I did some crisis counseling work, this isn't from my own experience, thank goodness!) of some kind. "If you ever leave me, I'll come after you and drag you back." "If you leave, I'm going after your family." "You have to be kidding me, who else would ever want you?!"

I like your above post. It rings accurate. I could imagine women staying for the children, when in fact staying ends up doing more harm to the children then leaving would. Fear is another good one, but there must be a million things to be afraid of. If the man is already abusive then there is no telling what he might do, especially if he threatens to go after your family. He could threaten financial abuse - just anything. Abusive men usually have traits, that result in their woman being completely dependent on them so that it is not as easy to run away when the bruises get too much.

 

[dconklin]

Some of the time I think it is low self esteem and sometimes there are probably many other reasons. I would never stay with somebody who disrespects me either, but I have seen people stay. The sad part is that when you try to get them the help to leave, they often deny it.

I think that it is fear that is the biggest factor. Sometimes they threaten the woman into staying and keeping her mouth shut. They may use her family or even just threaten to kill or hurt her if she leaves.

Many times they can be good at controlling others too and they put on such a good front that nobody else sees what is happening. This way if the woman were to say anything, some people wouldn't believe her because he has everybody thinking he is the perfect guy.

They probably also tell the woman that she is no good. They prey on people with low self esteem and women that seem to be able to be controlled. Like they probably wouldn't be interested in me because I tell anybody like it is and that scares the abuser. They want and need control sadly.

 

[claudine]

I have this internal mechanism where the moment that somebody disrespects me, I am not attracted to them anymore. It happens a lot. I have met so many women that I have been attracted to, or have become attracted to over time, and then they have said or done something that illustrates that thy have little or not respect where respect is due. My attraction to them vanishes,and I move one. It always happens like that, so I just have a hard time understanding how if your partner hits you, you can stay with them.

I think that it's different when it's only the beginning of a relationship and different when you are already in love with someone. If my ex cheated on me during our first month together, I would leave him immediately and for sure I wouldn't give him the second chance. But since he did this after a year or so, it wasn't this easy. My heart didn't listen to me.
So in some ways I understand these women....on the other hand, I must add that I would never tolerate violence, no matter how in love would I be.