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"Until were married, your priority is nothing."

Ayane

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Joined
Dec 18, 2011
Messages
109
So during the holidays I don't get to see my boyfriend too much. His family has this very close knit family tradition what not that, "I'm not allowed to see or meet them until my boyfriend and I are married."

Which is troubling. My family doesn't celebrate much at all. Meaning no big thanksgiving dinner or Christmas gathering. Just a kind of in and out sort of deal. So I was hoping I would have a shot at seeing my boyfriend, during these times, EVEN just for a little bit, to fill these empty gaps.

However his entire holiday is spent with his family and after I did not see his on thanksgiving, I pulled him aside and he has told me I'm not apart of that schedule because,
"Until we are married, your priority is nothing."

My boyfriend is a big family guy, but I know for a fact that his family is SUPER controlling. I again pulled him aside and explained my situation and he said, "Next year, I could come open my present and leave."

Should I settle for that? I mean the way he said, "Until we are married, your priority is nothing." I've felt bothered however after the holidays he still consistently comes over now and hangs out so now I'm just trying to come up with a solution to the mess without causing chaos.

I was thinking about being nontraditional and having Christmas maybe the next day he doesn't have work?
Ugh, I guess I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic when I want my snuggling by the fire. Decorate with Christmas stuff, or something.

Any advice? [I know there's people out there who don't even see your significant other, any words of the wise for a young one?]
 
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Wow! Wow!

I would see this as a sign of things to come. It seems like his family would always come first even when you are married. When you marry someone, you are essentially marrying into the family. He loves and treasures his family and I like that quality in a man, but I see that as extreme. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I would take it as showing little respect or compassion for my feelings. I would also see it as taking me for granted.

I love my mother, but she is a control freak. I would never marry a guy if he had a mother like mine. It would be a deal breaker for me. Only you can make the decision, but I would see this a sign of things to come. It doesn't look good, so I would walk away now.

Hugs to you.
 
What the hell? How could he not want you to meet his family before you're married? Where are you supposed to meet them for the first time, your wedding?

I don't really understand this situation.
 
I don't understand it either. You should be more important than his family, you are his girlfriend, his love. He has to make a decision. To me it looks like your feelings weren't as important to him as they should be. I think you need to talk to him. Tell him he can't treat you like this.
 
Whoa.

I see this as a red flag, hun. I know it's not what you want to hear, but if he's that controlling and so easily dismisses your feelings now, what do you think it'd be like if you got married? Your feeling don't suddenly matter with a ring and some vows.

You need to talk to him more about this. It's possible that he didn't mean to come off as so harsh and didn't really even mean it that way. If he did, though, then you have some big problems to cove.
 
It sounds like quite a challenge that you have to overcome. You do not just marry the man you love...you marry his family too! This is why you need to get to know them before you have a ring on your finger. You deserve to be respected and treated with dignity...not only by your partner but by his family too.

Just tread gently but see to it that you get your needs met, otherwise there will be heartache up ahead instead of joy.
 
He might have simply said it in the heat of the moment. If he's a family oriented person with family duties, he might have his schedule booked. I should know because my Christmas was pretty hectic having to help my sister in her Christmas party(which involved Cosplaying), attending to the visitors, helping out on whatever needs to be done and doing a lot of errands. I couldn't even have a decent conversation with my boyfriend.

If it bothers you so much, you might want to talk to him about what he said. After all, now that Christmas is done, he probably has all the time. And if he doesn't take your feeling seriously even after talking it out, then that's the time you should consider... other options.
 
I know I'm late to this thread so the situation may be resolved now, but... wow.

I can understand a guy being close to his family and all, and maybe even put his family first depending on how long you've been together and how serious the relationship is, but to give you NO priority whatsoever? That's just wrong. It also does seem odd to me that you're not to meet his parents until after you're married. Parents are usually involved in wedding plans, so I'm not sure how that would work out if you aren't "allowed" to meet them beforehand (unless his family expects your family to do all the work). If he remained stubborn after talking to him about it, I personally would have said "see ya."
 
That is just weird. I don't understand why he wouldn't want you and his family to meet each other before you are married. Is he hiding something? I would tell him that if you can't even meet his family, then you aren't going to be in it at all. Which means the wedding is off. Go find someone who appreciates and respects you and wants you to be a part of his holiday gatherings.
 
Not being allowed to meet his family until after you're married?! I have to say that that's one of the brightest red flags I've heard about in a long time. I think that most people would tell you that something's being hidden there, and it's something huge.

And the control thing... I won't even *go* there because if it's this bad now, you need to think about what it will be like after you're married. :(

The only thing I can think of that may make a difference is your culture. You didn't say where you're writing from. Are you from a country where things like this are customary?
 
Well, are two things at issue here: there is the fact that you come from very different family backgrounds and then there is the apparent lack of respect shown to you as a person of value, let alone as his girlfriend.

To be honest, as his girlfriend you shouldn't necessarily expect to be brought before his family unless things are serious. Also, you should be secure enough to be able to get through the time without him with your own family and friends. However, and this is a big one, he should have had a better response than to say you were not a priority. That is just downright insulting.

Without more details it's hard to tell, but it seems there might be some cultural differences between the two of you? if that is the case the holiday issue and you not being invited is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
 
So during the holidays I don't get to see my boyfriend too much. His family has this very close knit family tradition what not that, "I'm not allowed to see or meet them until my boyfriend and I are married."

Which is troubling. My family doesn't celebrate much at all. Meaning no big thanksgiving dinner or Christmas gathering. Just a kind of in and out sort of deal. So I was hoping I would have a shot at seeing my boyfriend, during these times, EVEN just for a little bit, to fill these empty gaps.

However his entire holiday is spent with his family and after I did not see his on thanksgiving, I pulled him aside and he has told me I'm not apart of that schedule because,
"Until we are married, your priority is nothing."

My boyfriend is a big family guy, but I know for a fact that his family is SUPER controlling. I again pulled him aside and explained my situation and he said, "Next year, I could come open my present and leave."

Should I settle for that? I mean the way he said, "Until we are married, your priority is nothing." I've felt bothered however after the holidays he still consistently comes over now and hangs out so now I'm just trying to come up with a solution to the mess without causing chaos.

I was thinking about being nontraditional and having Christmas maybe the next day he doesn't have work?
Ugh, I guess I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic when I want my snuggling by the fire. Decorate with Christmas stuff, or something.

Any advice? [I know there's people out there who don't even see your significant other, any words of the wise for a young one?]
Darling girl, this is not the one you will sit before the fire with. In the first place, he must be kind of stupid to tell you, you are nothing! That makes a girl want to climb into bed with him, am I right? I would ditch him even if it meant being alone. You won't be alone long---guys are like buses---there's always another coming along!
Do I sound jaded? Or sensible. If he is putting you on hold now, he will only get worse.
When we first got married, my MIL wanted my husband to join them at a restaurant for Christmas dinner. I was not invited, she said I should stay with my children which of course was my plan. The thing was, his kids were there with me, too. That lasted one Christmas! Then he had to explore his options, Christmas dinner with me for a lifetime or with the nitwit mother. He made the right choice.
I hope you have enough self respect to get rid of this pud.
 
Whoa! Being bothered would be an understatement. This is not a good sign. If he and his family is that controlling, and you are put on the back burner, then it's possible he will treat you no differently after marriage. Obviously his family will always be priority, and a ring and a marriage certificate won't change the situation. He is supposed to leave his parents and cling to his wife. If he saw the two of you as having a future together, then he shouldn't have a problem introducing you to his family.

Sounds like he's hiding something. If you are sexually involved, then he should be willing to stop that too, if he was so serious about marrying you and not treat you like you are not good enough for him except when its convenient for him. If he can't take you seriously enough for that, then move on.
 
This is something that I have never heard of before. Something is being hidden from you OP. I wouldn't stick around to figure out what it was either. I would just get out of there. If I love someone then I either would want them to meet my family, or I wouldn't want them to at all because my family are a rude bunch of idiots. I wouldn't say that my love could meet them ONLY after we are married. Why? Have you asked why?
 
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I haven't been back in a long time but wanted to put things right - sort of say.

During February 2013, I finally met his mother's side of the family. He was, hiding away this side because his grandparents really liked his ex so he wanted to give them some time before meeting me. WHILE his FATHER'S side they are the ones who came up with the ruling of I don't want to meet your X until your married. [Apparently their very old fashioned, even my boyfriends mother wasn't allowed to meet them until she and my boyfriends father were married.]

His mother's grandparents were not bothered by me at all. Or at least they accepted me quite well and I have attended many family dinners over the upcoming months. I think my boyfriend was worried over nothing. (but was being considerate towards them).

While his father's grandparents reasons are clear that they have stood their ground. I cannot see my boyfriend for half of the day because he spends it with them. I am respectful of this. [ Hs mother's side has offered me to hang with them until my boyfriend returns with his father/mother. ] (They also find the father's side strange and joke about it a lot.) I do know the father's side is very old, they have been hospitalized quite a lot. So they must not want to meet other people because of their conditions. Or perhaps because they exercised it for so long, they don't want to change their beliefs.

But yes, everything has been going a lot smoother. xD My priority is not "nothing anymore." We have been working well and are building a good relationship. It just took a little effort, and help from your comments to figure out what was going on. The red flag settles for no one. lol
 
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