Top Excuses For Missing Work

1. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

2. My stigmata's acting up.

3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

4. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

5. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

6. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

7. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

8. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

9. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

10. I prefer to remain an enigma.

11. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

12. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

13. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

14. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

15. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

16. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

17. My dog ate me.

18. I was beamed up by the Enterprise.

19. Giant cockroaches!

20. My ex has handcuffed me to the doorknob and he won't hand over the key till I write out a check and I'm going broke.

21. I got locked in the bathroom at the local CVS and it took 2 hours to get me out, so I am now officially contaminated....

22. Crashed bike into a tree, resulting in severe concussion... loss of memory... who the heck is this?? My boss? I don't have a boss.... well I might but I don't remember so I'm not workin' for you!