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Constructive Disagreements (and Arguing!)

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Snowbaby, Oct 15, 2006.

  1. Snowbaby

    Snowbaby Active Member

    I'm sure you will all agree that all couples argue at some point in their relationships? Sometimes continuous arguing? I was reading the BBC website this morning when I cam across this VERY helpful exercise:

    I'm not so sure about the get up and walk away thing at the end, I guess it is to prevent any arguing? You both have a chance to get your point across without interruption from the other.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2016
  2. Snowbaby

    Snowbaby Active Member

    Differences of opinion are normal and healthy in adult relationships and learning to compromise is a skill required in many areas of life. You might want to print out this page and pin it to your notice board to remind you both whenever a disagreement arises.

    Before trying this exercise it's worth having a look at the Guidelines for exercises.
    1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.
    2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.
    3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."
    4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"
    5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.
    6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.
    7. Don't start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.
    8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."
    9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.
    10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.
    Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.

    Source for both articles: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2016
  3. thistle

    thistle New Member

    I like that but I'm not too sure about NOT reacting to what your partner says...how can you compromise if you don't make acknowledge what the other person has said?

    But for the most part I'd say this is well worth a shot if they alternative is arguing a lot [​IMG]
  4. bluestar

    bluestar Member

    actually this works. I have done it a few times myself. The not responding part is not exactly completely accurate. You do respond to what each other say but after a cool down period. That is what the 48 hours are for. That way you both think about what each other said and discuss with yourself in your mind why the other person feels that way. It helps when trying to come to compromise.

    It is really hard to sit and listen to someone that long without saying anything but it really does eliminate the actual arguing. It took a couple of tries to get it right but it was well worth it in the end. And sitting and listening, most of the time you dont have to respond, the look on your face tells alot. and vise versa.
  5. Samanthaaa

    Samanthaaa New Member

    it does sound good, but what happends if your partner dont listen?
  6. Potholer

    Potholer Active Member

    Then it wont work? One of the guidelines is that they HAVE to listen. Kind of defeats the purpose if you both aren't trying to make it work
  7. katharina

    katharina Member

    I agree that people in a relationship argue, sure... but I can't agree with the "continuously" part... I'd seriously start to question the wisdom of the choice to get together it arguing was continual, I think.
    Zynni likes this.
  8. Haven

    Haven New Member

    if you dont argue in a relationship something is very wrong....me and my husband srgue but we let it go....but those steps deff could help <3
  9. I think that this is very good advice. All too often, couples get into fights over stupid issues and the fight keeps going and going and going...those tips help to establish some guidelines.
  10. Luv2write

    Luv2write Member

    It is normal to have the occassional spat. We all do. But if you are constantly fighting then no one is happy. I like the method above but each person should be adult enough to let the other person speak and have a fair say.
  11. Orrymain

    Orrymain Member

    Constructive arguing has its place. Not everyone needs a guideline and many people don't have the temperament for it, but it can help some who are willing to abide by it.
  12. katharina

    katharina Member

    That's so true, Orrymain. Things like this can be a great help, but both people have to be willing to give it a fair shot and some just can't do that. :-(
  13. Luv2write

    Luv2write Member

    It is really too bad when one person can not give it a shot. I think that in fights you need to be fair.
  14. katharina

    katharina Member

    In a perfect world, fair arguments would rule, yes. But I have seen so many people who "fight" unfairly and unevenly to where it actually ends up becoming a bullying issue.
  15. phoenyxstarr

    phoenyxstarr Member

    I like those rules, I just don't know how useful they would be for me & my hubby. We don't argue that much & what we do argue about is usually really stupid, like what to give for gifts. Of course our arguments have never become screaming fits either. That would just be way to counter productive.

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